By relationships, I mean both platonic and romantic. I’m just doing a bit of soul searching and reflecting on things I’ve done in the past.
For example, I used to get a weird sense of satisfaction by rejecting girls that showed interest in dating me, even though deep down I wanted a relationship and wanted to give them a chance. Not in a cruel way, just in a “sorry I’m not looking for a relationship right now” kind of way.
I also used to sabotage friendships that were forming before I got too close to the person. Sometimes I ghosted people, acted cold around them, or just didn’t go out socially with them. The result was exactly what you’d expect - people just stopped speaking to me and didn’t make an effort anymore, just as I hadn’t with them.
I’ve hurt people that cared about me and can’t figure out whether it’s fear of getting close, fear of showing my vulnerabilities, or something else entirely.
I’ll echo the “see a therapist if it’s feasible” recommendations. Here’s another possibility:
We all have a worldview, and that includes our own understanding of who we are. One of the possible reasons for self-sabotage is when we believe ourselves to be a certain way (or that we do/don’t deserve something), we tend to self correct for any anomalies, whether good or bad. That is, if I was treated poorly as a child, or otherwise lacked the love and support that children need, I might believe myself to be unlovable and “correct” anything that contradicts that understanding (such as someone showing interest in me).
It could be that, or any number of other things. I’ll echo another recommendation: take note of your emotions when you’re in those situations (you might even be able to feel them when you imagine a situation like you described). What do you feel?