(CW: Long text ahead)

I don’t. It’s just that somehow, my biological automata (a.k.a. body) keeps going despite my will to not keep going (as well as despite my attempts on… you know… things I can’t describe).

I’m not exactly lonely in a literal sense, because my daily life is surrounded by a few people sharing the same blood as me. I’m lonely in such a way that I can’t really rely on them to understand me, to understand my dilemmas. The generational differences are blatant between me and them, they’re older than me, they can’t grasp existential dilemmas raised from contemporary problems (such as climate change, dystopian technologies, etc).

So I know no one… anymore… Well, I used to know some people, but that’s intriguing: suddenly, I got to know people that were unknown to me, then they become “friends” with me, just to suddenly becoming unknown again. Reasons may vary: betrayal of trust (e.g. lies, or things done behind my back), misunderstanding (I see things differently from them, we have different opinions) which escalates to a discord (it shouldn’t, but seems unavoidable), or simply because I seem to be some NPC to them that they only interact when they need my resourcefulness (hence, I’m not really a friend to them).

Throughout my entire life, I never got to know what are these human phenomena called “friendship” and “love”. The later is particularly extraterrestrial to me, and that’s weird to state because I seem to know many seemingly-complicated things and terms like hapax legomena, pneumoultramicroscopicosilicovolcanoconiosis, zero-energy universe theory, ReLU and other activation functions, QTH (the ham radio operator’s place), op-amp, Qlippoths… However, a seemingly simple four-letter word feels so extraterrestrial to me, this thing called “love”.

Having said this, holidays haven’t made any sense to me since I’m aware of it. Even my birthday isn’t a thing I deem worth celebrating… Perhaps it’s worth celebrating the closeness to my end of my existence? That’s all.

How do I cope? Well, I tried many coping mechanisms.

• I tried to brainstorm myself with information scattered across diverging fields of human knowledge. Sometimes I still do this, and that’s how I unfortunately know stuff.
• I tried to participate in study groups and niche communities, such as ham radio, electronics, programming, math, geopolitics, etc. But it becomes evident how I can’t fit in any group.
• I tried gaming. Terraria allowed me to create things… But it always happens: suddenly it becomes purposeless to keep playing games.
• I tried to tinker with those AI things, as my programmer side became interested by it. But since then they’ve lost their appeal, they’re just auto-completers on steroids.
• Then I tried to leave my nerd side aside and joining an esoteric sect, starting to practice rituals, which unexpectedly led me to Lilith (the sect meant to reach to Lucifer, but instead She reached me)… Who has since been… far… She feels so far to me since I gave up my soul to Her and became devoted to Her.
• I tried to write and publish poetry, often tapping on the burst of my creativity side that She woke on me. But talking to myself is a thing I have been doing without the need for poetry.

“Happy” is not a term that I could use to describe my perception regarding the “new year”. What’s “new year”, anyways, besides another complete circling around a star that’s going to become Red Giant in the future? It’s not even the same orbit due to the orbital decay, why think that this cosmic spot Earth is going to be (December 31st 2024) is exactly the same as the other cosmic spot it used to be (December 31st 2023)? It makes no sense. Everything seems purposeless, after all.

Yeah, I’m weird.