Hi all. Apologies if this isn’t the right community for this type of question. Just let me know and I’ll remove it.

Recently I’ve been struggling a bit. There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help. The advice I’ve had in the past is “just be a friend and be there for them,” but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can’t.

And it’s been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It’s pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can’t help it. I don’t tell these people that I am stressed out because of them and I don’t tell them that it is affecting me in any way. It’s such an asshole move for me to be feeling this way but I just don’t know how to get out of it.

I try to be nice and friendly all the time, but it’s killing me. I just want to be able to help but I can’t. I’m completely and totally powerless.

Surely there are those of you out there who care about others and have run into this issue before. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do? “Just be a friend” doesn’t help my mental state or do anything for any of the issues that any of us have.

Thanks all.

  • partial_accumen@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can’t.

    I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re a man, and not a woman. This is a common response to a problem when a man faces or hears about a problem. I’m also going to guess you’re a young adult. Its a trait in young adults that (with the best intentions) they see distress and assume its not only their responsibility, but that its in their power, to fix someone else’s problem whether they asked for it or not. Keep in mind, nothing I’m saying here is negative criticism. I was the same way in both aspect when I was younger. Age has given me some wisdom, and I hope sharing some can help you.

    Lets break this down:

    There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

    This is part of life. I don’t care who you are, how rich or poor, how famous or unknown, each one of us will be visited by life and given various struggles to face. Many will be small, but inevitably some will bring you to your knees with pain and suffering you never knew possible, and others yet, at the extreme end, will take your life. This…is just life. The price of continued living, is signing up to having to keep hit some of these, and working through it the best you can. The main point here is that EVERYONE will go through at least some really really bad times.

    And it’s been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It’s pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can’t help it.

    Please take this next part with nothing but love, but… GET OVER YOURSELF. You’re not god. You’re not omnipotent. You’re this tiny speck of existence that is doing just barely marginally better than the person you’re looking at that needs “to be fixed”. I say this so you understand that you should only drive yourself crazy on these if you think that you have the power to remove this burden. Full truth: YOU DON’T! So you’re not failing to remove these burdens from them, you’re a tiny insect in a hurricane. You’re just along for the ride, just like the rest of us. Make the best of what you can and what you are.

    The advice I’ve had in the past is “just be a friend and be there for them,”

    The “be a friend” phrase, especially to young adults isn’t useful enough. I’d expand on it to mean:

    • reach out and check in on them, it lets them know another human cares about them
    • support them in their situation or decisions unless they those things are actively self destructive to them
    • if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear
    • be available. This means to talk, but 95% JUST TO LISTEN WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX IT

    Also, doing discredit their agency and efforts. They aren’t young children that can’t do anything for themselves or can’t improve their situation. Doing that belittles the power and effort they DO have they are bringing to bear against the burden in front of them. Don’t take that away from them. Support them, but don’t de-power them.

    but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help.

    Understand your mental and physical limits. The most useful phrase here is “Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” You have a finite capacity for helping others. Figure out what that is, and what you’re willing to give of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    Finally, and this is a REALLY REALLY hard thing to come to terms with:

    Some people are beyond your help or worry. They are an infinitely deep back hole where spending on them, monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally is never ending, and sometimes even thankless. There is nothing you can do for these people and you must protect yourself by cutting these people out of your life. If you don’t they will drain you dry monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Many of them can’t help it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t fix them.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re a man, and not a woman. This is a common response to a problem when a man faces or hears about a problem. I’m also going to guess you’re a young adult. Its a trait in young adults that (with the best intentions) they see distress and assume its not only their responsibility, but that its in their power, to fix someone else’s problem whether they asked for it or not. Keep in mind, nothing I’m saying here is negative criticism. I was the same way in both aspect when I was younger. Age has given me some wisdom, and I hope sharing some can help you.

      I am female, but I suppose I’m a relatively young adult.

      Please take this next part with nothing but love, but… GET OVER YOURSELF. You’re not god. You’re not omnipotent. You’re this tiny speck of existence that is doing just barely marginally better than the person you’re looking at that needs “to be fixed”. I say this so you understand that you should only drive yourself crazy on these if you think that you have the power to remove this burden. Full truth: YOU DON’T! So you’re not failing to remove these burdens from them, you’re a tiny insect in a hurricane. You’re just along for the ride, just like the rest of us. Make the best of what you can and what you are.

      That’s the problem though. I DON’T think it’s in my power to fix anyone’s problems. I don’t just sit there trying to come up with solutions for people. But I just have people I care about that are in pain. And it kills me to see them in pain and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.

      The “be a friend” phrase, especially to young adults isn’t useful enough. I’d expand on it to mean:

      reach out and check in on them, it lets them know another human cares about them support them in their situation or decisions unless they those things are actively self destructive to them if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear be available. This means to talk, but 95% JUST TO LISTEN WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX IT Also, doing discredit their agency and efforts. They aren’t young children that can’t do anything for themselves or can’t improve their situation. Doing that belittles the power and effort they DO have they are bringing to bear against the burden in front of them. Don’t take that away from them. Support them, but don’t de-power them.

      but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help.

      Understand your mental and physical limits. The most useful phrase here is “Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” You have a finite capacity for helping others. Figure out what that is, and what you’re willing to give of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

      I do talk to them and try to be there for them, but there is only so much I seem to be mentally able to handle when it’s never ending. But to be honest, I don’t necessarily agree with the fire thing. I probably would sacrifice myself for these people. My life is objectively far less important or meaningful than the people I am referring to. I am more disposable than them if that makes sense.

      Finally, and this is a REALLY REALLY hard thing to come to terms with:

      Some people are beyond your help or worry. They are an infinitely deep back hole where spending on them, monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally is never ending, and sometimes even thankless. There is nothing you can do for these people and you must protect yourself by cutting these people out of your life. If you don’t they will drain you dry monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Many of them can’t help it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t fix them.

      One of my friends has recently tried to distance herself from the other for this reason, tbh. She doesn’t seem to be able to handle it either and is trying to walk away instead of be there anymore. I don’t want to walk away. I want to be there, but I don’t know how to do it and not explode.

      • partial_accumen@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        I do talk to them and try to be there for them, but there is only so much I seem to be mentally able to handle when it’s never ending.

        Is it never ending because that person continues to make choices that keep them in that situation? Is your relationship with that person structured around their suffering and you are simply a dumping ground for them to unload on? If so, you may be a friend to this person, but they may not be a friend to you. This may be one of those to cut off.

        Alternatively, is this person could simply have too much “life” going on through no fault of their own (many times this is hard to judge of others). Even so, if they are your friend, then they will care about you too. You can have an open dialogue with them and let them know that you are beyond your safe limits in being exposed to their problems. Figure out how much for yourself you’re willing to expose yourself to this person and communicate this boundary. If they are your friend, they’ll respect you, and your boundary. If they get angry with you for this or boundary stomp on you, then they aren’t your friend (or they’re not mature enough to be a healthy friend).

        But to be honest, I don’t necessarily agree with the fire thing. I probably would sacrifice myself for these people. My life is objectively far less important or meaningful than the people I am referring to. I am more disposable than them if that makes sense.

        Ignore everything else I’ve posted before. For this moment I will “be there” for you and take my own advice when I said “if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear”

        Forgive my language, but this is Bullshit! Unless this other person is curing cancer or stopping World War III, then your life NOT objectively far less important or meaningful. You are NOT disposable. I don’t know where you got these ideas, but this mental model, over the long term, will destroy you as a person.

        You are NOT in a place to be able to support others. You need to spend time on yourself and find the source of this idea that you are worth less than others. I highly recommend seeking help from professionals equipped to help with this. Don’t be ashamed to seek it either. None of us are born with everything we need to sort out this crazy world and our own place in it. However, there are developed skills that can immensely help. Given enough time maybe you could fix this on your own, but it may take 30 or 40 years. Take the shortcut. See a professional that can help you zero in on this.

        • dingus@lemmy.worldOP
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          1 year ago

          Is it never ending because that person continues to make choices that keep them in that situation? …

          Alternatively, is this person could simply have too much “life” going on through no fault of their own (many times this is hard to judge of others) …

          It’s definitely the latter. They got dealt some shitty things in life and there’s not much to be done about some of these things. I don’t think I could ever tell them that it bothers me. They really don’t overburden me or do it incessantly or anything. I’m just not good at being a friend about it.

          Forgive my language, but this is Bullshit! Unless this other person is curing cancer or stopping World War III, then your life NOT objectively far less important or meaningful. You are NOT disposable. I don’t know where you got these ideas, but this mental model, over the long term, will destroy you as a person.

          I don’t mean that my life is worthless. However, objectively, some people’s lives are worth more than others. Whose life is worth more? A heart surgeon or a serial killer? A 99 year old man who has already lived his life or a 25 year old father supporting 3 children? If you could only save one or the other in any of these scenarios, I know who everyone would pick.

          Sure, most of the time it’s not an overly obvious line like that. But objectively, my life is far less important than the people I am talking about in the OP. It’s just a fact of life. And I both care about these people and recognize this. If I were talking about others in my life, the line would not necessarily be as clear. I don’t think it makes me mentally ill for recognizing this.

          However, I will say I looked into therapy somewhat recently and was amazed at how expensive it was. $200 per session after insurance. No idea how people afford it.

  • NeoNachtwaechter@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about.

    This is a good thing to do.

    Ok?

    It is important to state this first.

    and I am powerless to do anything to help.

    I am pretty sure that you have already tried to do things and you have done things.

    Nobody can say you haven’t.

    I don’t tell them that it is affecting me in any way.

    Think about other kinds of helpers. Firemen, emergency rescuers, caregivers…

    One of their first rules is to protect themselves.Why is that? Because a helper cannot help others anymore when he/she is hurt.

    The same for you: protect yourself! Do not get hurt. Pull back in time. Stay sane.

    A search term for you is: resilience. It means methods to do stay sane and not get overloaded from such situations. I think you can find tutorials on google/youtube about it.

  • TearfulTurtles@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    You’re a fixer, and very empathetic. That’s great, but also dangerous - you’ll burn yourself out trying to fix everything. You’ll have to accept that you can’t fix everything for everybody - in fact by doing so, you’ll be creating new problems. Your mental state will tank, because there is no end to life’s troubles. There will always be a new issue.

    The best way to help is to offer it - and if they ask, cheerfully chip in, but otherwise, deal with your own day to day tasks. You can help without “shouldering” thier problems. When I went through tough times, the people I appreciated the most did simple things like go out to dinner or play video games with me. Very simple.

    Other people’s problems are not yours, and if you continue having these thoughts, seek a therapist.

    Source: have seen many empathetic fixers crash and burn

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      I just cannot get over seeing people I care about in pain. I don’t know how to “get over” it to be a better friend if that makes sense.

      I went to one session with a therapist recently and it was like $200 post-insurance for just the one session. No clue how people afford that.

  • cygnosis@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    First of all it’s completely understandable for you to feel frustrated and stressed in a situation like this. You really don’t have the power to fix other people’s problems. Have you ever been to a therapist? The one constant among good therapists is that they don’t give you advice. They don’t tell you what to do. And they don’t try to fix the problems in your life. But they do end up helping you. So what do they know that the rest of us don’t? They know that the best way to help someone is to listen supportively, to validate their feelings, and to give them a chance to think about their life while leaning on the emotional support of someone who cares about them. There’s more but that’s a good start. And if you can do that you really are helping a lot more than you think.

    Take as an example, a conversation I had with my wife today (remembered as well as I can). She was in a really bad mood and wasn’t talking with me.
    I asked her “what’s got you feeling down today?”
    She angrily said she didn’t want to talk with me about it because she knew what I would say and she didn’t want to hear it.
    (That, by the way, is a pretty clear hint that someone is not in present time emotionally.)
    I said “so you’re saying I’m never supportive of you when you’re upset?”
    She said “I’m feeling overworked and stressed. There’s always too much to do. And I know you are just going to say you also have too much to do.”
    I said “I did say ‘I feel the same way’ once when you said you could use a day off. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that you’re overworked. I understand. There’s a lot going on right now and it’s hard to keep up.”
    She continued talking about how she felt. I continued validating her feelings. And she cheered up and her mood improved.

    My point is, “just being there” is code for listening supportively, validating someone’s feelings, and helping them regain the balance they need to address their problems themselves.

    Edit: to be clear, I’m no saint. Sometimes I’m the grumpy one and my wife is the paitent one. It works both ways.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      I went to one therapy session once and got a bill of like $200 after insurance for the one session. I have no clue how people afford to do that on a regular basis. People scoff at things like Better Help, but it seems like it’s probably the only affordable option if your insurance isn’t great.

      My point is, “just being there” is code for listening supportively, validating someone’s feelings, and helping them regain the balance they need to address their problems themselves.

      I do try this, but I only seem to have so much stamina for it. I can’t stand seeing them in pain, and I seem to have run out of ability to be there. Because it hurts too much to see them in pain like that. So I don’t know where to go from here.

      • elephantium@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        It depends on the insurance plan. My current plan covers therapy 100%, no copay.

        The plan before this, I think it was a $50 copay. Not too bad in this context.

        The plan before that, IIRC, was “LOL talk to us after you’ve hit your deductible” :(

        OTOH…my therapist doesn’t even charge $200 to begin with. That def helps in my case.

  • NX2@feddit.de
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    1 year ago

    There is no magic pill, no Silver bullet for complicated problems. Otherwise they wouldn’t be complicated. “Being a friend” is meaningless.

    What you should do is ask what you can do to help (even if they answer with “nothing”). Ask what’s wrong, if they start talking ask specific questions so that they don’t just stick with the “I’m good thanks” level. Don’t go and say “I’ve had a similar situation”. Don’t list options or try to solve the problem for them

    Tell them it doesn’t bother you if they bother you, so that they don’t hold back just because they want to be a good friend to you.

    Now, that is what you should do if you want to help. But if it gets to much mentally for you I still recommend anyone to watch this: Optimistic Nihilism. This Video has helped me see the world in a different way has has made me basically immune to “going crazy” or grieving uncomfortably. I know that this is probably not for everyone, but it was for me.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      They always answer that there’s nothing I can do to help. And I always say that they can come to me if they need anything or want to talk to anything. But that doesn’t seem to do fuck all. They always remain in pain and then it hurts me to see them in pain. And now I’ve run out of stamina to keep doing things like that and don’t know where to go from here.

  • jbrains@sh.itjust.works
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    1 year ago

    When I feel the way you do, I use metta meditation, also known as loving-kindness meditation. When I do this, I’m not changing the situation at all, but changing how I react to it. It is strange, it is gradual, and it works very well for me.

    It helps me both to feel more compassionate for myself to trying to control other people in the situation and to wish good things for the people who are struggling.

  • morphballganon@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Sounds like you have anxiety.

    I’m not saying this is necessarily a good solution for you, but most of the people I know with anxiety smoke weed to deal with it. Might be worth a try, especially since you say therapy is too expensive.

  • Orionza@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Is your life under your own control, all the time? Mine sure isn’t. I’m a person of faith. I believe everything is our destiny, good and bad, for a reason. All is our test, and this world is a test for everyone, including you and your friends.

    You are so kind and caring to want to help everyone fix their problems. We are supposed to help each other. But it’s not our responsibility to fix others’ unfixable problems. Heck, we can’t even fix our own. Nothing in this world can fix some of our problems. Only a Higher Power can change it. We just take things one day at a time.

    Your friends don’t expect you to come in and fix their problems. You just being there for them is so good. Many people don’t have that. The people around you are fortunate that you care so deeply.

  • Jeena@jemmy.jeena.net
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    1 year ago

    Suck it up and don’t stand in their way, let them do what’s necessary and mind your own business. That would be my adwise to someone who seems to have the problem to realize that they are not the center of the universe.

    I see it at work all the time people thinking that the whole company depends on them and that if they would to resign it would go down. It never does, because once they don’t sit in that spot finally other people can raise to the occasion and do even a better job.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      I think you’ve misunderstood me. I’m not walking around demanding for other people to do things. People will confide in or vent to me and I can’t stand seeing them hurting and in pain. And there’s no way for me to take the pain away. I don’t at all think that I’m some sort of important powerful person that is holding anyone up.

  • Unsustainable@lemmy.today
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    1 year ago

    The serenity prayer can help set your course. You don’t have to be religious to understand it and use it as a tool for your life.

    God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I had several more paragraphs to say, but I deleted them. The prayer says it all, if you just sit with it for a while.