I’ve become aware, as I get older, how my initial emotional reaction to conflict isn’t always fair and is usually pointed backward, defensive and angry. I also know that I do better if I have time alone to process how I’m feeling, and often by the time I’m done things have moved on.
What I’ve been working on is to stop using excuses - the moment has passed, I’d just be dredging up the same argument, I’ve had this conversation in my head a bunch but they never turn out exactly right - and just go back to the people involved and tell them how I feel because they deserve that effort. There have been disagreements I’ve had where I wasn’t in the wrong but the other party did something I can admire and appreciate, and it doesn’t hurt me any to say that.
And it never ends with what I imagine is “argument perfection”: a point by point discussion of intent and action and history. Which is silly because life is messy but it gets better and I and others grow more patient and willing to move forward if I’m not always bracing for a blow.
That’s…probably a bit confusing, but it’s been something I’ve been mulling over, so…what personality traits of yours are you working on?
I’m trying to cultivate a stronger sense of kinship/kindness towards complete strangers. My natural impulse is to take on an adversarial/defensive/judgemental stance towards people which is unhealthy. For example if someone cuts me off in traffic I just assume they’re a terrible person - but I have to remind myself that having this reaction only makes my own life more unpleasant. Things work out better if you assume the best in people.
One time I was speeding up the freeway at 5am doing about 20 over the limit. At the time it was a two lane freeway and there were two cars side by side. I flashed my lights at the car in front and they wouldn’t move so I eventually looked ahead and over took them on the shoulder. Probably were thinking what a nutcase but I had my wife in labour in the passenger seat HAHAHA. Sometimes, you just don’t know the reasons for a person’s behaviour and we can often judge their entire person from an interaction in a minute moment in time.
Oh by the way, she was crowning by the time we got the the hospital, he didn’t wait lol
I like that approach where you just assume that the person who cut you off REALLY has to poop and is rushing to get to the bathroom 😄