My supposed best friends gave me and my husband a bottle of wine for Christmas. I can’t drink wine because I have an allergic reaction to something in wine, and they are very aware of this after me having reactions to foods at restaurants we would go to together. So they gave ‘us’ a gift that I can’t actually have.
This comes after my husband and I have spent the last year being there for them through losing their jobs, their car, almost losing their house, and a bunch of other drama. It also comes after we spent all day making a meal free of their allergies, as I always do, and after I spent several days making Christmas cookies that are safe for them.
I don’t know if the bottle of wine is cheap or expensive, and it honestly doesn’t matter. Last year they got me an ornament for our tree, and it is one of my dearest possessions because it has a small poem about friendship on it. This year’s gift stung because of how much of ourselves we gave to them, only for them to clearly pick up something last minute and without any thought.
I don’t really have any family or other friends to celebrate with, so the most important people to me besides my husband are them. It hurts to see how little I apparently mean to them in comparison…
But, coming from a family where we all suck at gifts, it is somewhat relatable. It is unbelievable how difficult and anxiety-provoking gift buying can be for some people, and caring more about someone only makes it harder. In the end one could land on something awful and last minute after worrying about it for months, and it seems like one simply doesn’t care.
I of course don’t know this specific situation, and it is indeed a particularly bad gift considering your allergy. But don’t read it as a sign that they don’t care - it could be that they care quite a lot, and that it’s a case of something else entirely.
If you are asking if she knew beforehand, yes. We once had to rush out of a restaurant because a dish included wine and I didn’t know until my mouth felt like it was on fire. She has been there many times as I have had to explain it to others, and when I have been checking food to make sure it doesn’t have wine or vinegar.
If you are asking if I have mentioned it to her since she gave me the gift, no. I haven’t had the energy to try to deal with that conversation, I still have plans with people through New Year’s. I will probably bring it up in a few days, but right now it hurts to even think about and I just want to get through the rest of the holidays.
I understand, however, this is going to bother and poison you slowly but steadily if you don’t address it with her.
Just ask her straight-up: girl, you know I’m allergic to wine and felt not great when you gave the thing I’m allergic to as a gift and my partner can’t enjoy it with me. What’s up with that?
If its an oversight hopefully she owns up. If not, well, theres bigger problems and either way she’s signalling to you to get out of her life or whatever.
Keep me posted if you don’t mind, but make no mistake: you will basically almost certainly have to address this at some point in the future, don’t let it destroy you until you do it anyway
Oh I will be having that conversation in a few days. I am taking a lesson from my therapist and letting myself rest from the hurt and decide what kind of resolution I want. I have a history of crumbling when I get pushback for standing up for myself, so giving myself time to sit with the feeling for a couple of days helps my brain realize that what she did was actually bad, and not just me overreacting.
My supposed best friends gave me and my husband a bottle of wine for Christmas. I can’t drink wine because I have an allergic reaction to something in wine, and they are very aware of this after me having reactions to foods at restaurants we would go to together. So they gave ‘us’ a gift that I can’t actually have.
This comes after my husband and I have spent the last year being there for them through losing their jobs, their car, almost losing their house, and a bunch of other drama. It also comes after we spent all day making a meal free of their allergies, as I always do, and after I spent several days making Christmas cookies that are safe for them.
I don’t know if the bottle of wine is cheap or expensive, and it honestly doesn’t matter. Last year they got me an ornament for our tree, and it is one of my dearest possessions because it has a small poem about friendship on it. This year’s gift stung because of how much of ourselves we gave to them, only for them to clearly pick up something last minute and without any thought.
I don’t really have any family or other friends to celebrate with, so the most important people to me besides my husband are them. It hurts to see how little I apparently mean to them in comparison…
That absolutely sucks.
But, coming from a family where we all suck at gifts, it is somewhat relatable. It is unbelievable how difficult and anxiety-provoking gift buying can be for some people, and caring more about someone only makes it harder. In the end one could land on something awful and last minute after worrying about it for months, and it seems like one simply doesn’t care.
I of course don’t know this specific situation, and it is indeed a particularly bad gift considering your allergy. But don’t read it as a sign that they don’t care - it could be that they care quite a lot, and that it’s a case of something else entirely.
Have you brought up wine and your allergy with her?
If you are asking if she knew beforehand, yes. We once had to rush out of a restaurant because a dish included wine and I didn’t know until my mouth felt like it was on fire. She has been there many times as I have had to explain it to others, and when I have been checking food to make sure it doesn’t have wine or vinegar.
If you are asking if I have mentioned it to her since she gave me the gift, no. I haven’t had the energy to try to deal with that conversation, I still have plans with people through New Year’s. I will probably bring it up in a few days, but right now it hurts to even think about and I just want to get through the rest of the holidays.
I understand, however, this is going to bother and poison you slowly but steadily if you don’t address it with her.
Just ask her straight-up: girl, you know I’m allergic to wine and felt not great when you gave the thing I’m allergic to as a gift and my partner can’t enjoy it with me. What’s up with that?
If its an oversight hopefully she owns up. If not, well, theres bigger problems and either way she’s signalling to you to get out of her life or whatever.
Keep me posted if you don’t mind, but make no mistake: you will basically almost certainly have to address this at some point in the future, don’t let it destroy you until you do it anyway
Oh I will be having that conversation in a few days. I am taking a lesson from my therapist and letting myself rest from the hurt and decide what kind of resolution I want. I have a history of crumbling when I get pushback for standing up for myself, so giving myself time to sit with the feeling for a couple of days helps my brain realize that what she did was actually bad, and not just me overreacting.
Is it easier to text?