Don’t touch anything. Leave the area immediately.
Call 911, report the event. Call a lawyer immediately. Right after 911. If there is time I’d notify my immediate family. Ask them to coordinate with the lawyer, and my work, in case I’m not available.
Wait until I have representation before giving a statement to the police. This will be super duper hard to do, but I’ll just keep saying “my lawyer is XXX, I will only make a statement with my lawyer. I’m using my right to remain silent until then”
Have my lawyer contact the next of kin. Work with home owners insurance to iron out any issues.
If not in jail help organize the funeral arrangements with my friends family. Hire biohazard cleaners to clean house, stay outside the house until that’s resolved.
Have a monk or priest come by to bless the house again and put any spirits to rest. (just in case)
Thorough! Jet’s Checklist for Dealing with Spontaneous Combustion sounds like a lore item in a game.
Also very similar to a home defense shooting situation.
why did this play out like the most bitchin suspense thriller in my mind just now?
CSI Transylvania
There’s also an episode of Unsolved Mysteries where people reported spontaneous combustion.
Cordless stick vacuum. Roomba’s don’t do as well with ash because of the spinning brush.
Feel like thats a broom and dustpan situation, both due to likely quantity of ash, and wanting to preserve them with minimal contamination for a urn or just ash spreading disposal.
If I order urns on Amazon, does that send someone a red flag email you think?
Actually ordinary household vacuums are notoriously bad at sucking ashes from human remains. There are special vacuums for fireplaces and such that do way better job, Id recommend one of these
How do you know this?
Shit, you’re right. Also, has this happened before?
I would probably never invite them ever again
Quite cheeky to leave behind such a mess.
I mean, they died in your house, the ghost lives there now. That’s how it works.
Get a broom and a dust pan
Came here to say this!
Glad I’m not the only twisted one.
Google or ask on !asklemmy about the price of vampire dust and how to preserve it.
If The Sims has taught me anything it’s that you should A) Freak out, B) Cry over the tombstone that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, C) Flirt with the personification of death that appears to reap the soul of your guest, D) Rate the party as a real downer and belittle the person throwing the party.
Bonus points for wetting yourself at some point during the whole ordeal.
No body, no crime. Scatter that shit and hit the bar.
I would proceed to the kitchen and pour me a whiskey.
Dustpan, then jack daniels
Look, I invited him in and we had a wonderful time until dawn. Is it my fault the blackout curtains weren’t closed all the way? Yes. Will Dracula be pissed? Only if he can regenerate from being disintegrated. The relationship was just getting a little too claustrophobic for my liking.
Hi, i’m Saul Goodman and did you know that you have rights? The constitution says so and so do i.
I’d sweep them up before my dogs could eat them
Freak the hell out cuz how the shit are the authorities gonna believe what actually happened?
Maybe steal a pinch or two and call 911. Eat some ashes with some mushrooms later.
What the… are you trying to become a vampire too or just a weird cannibal?
Option A. I mean if they have cool powers I’ll take some.
“Would any of the rest of you like to try the garlic canapés with holy water based dressing?”
Oh right, electrolyte water + blessing at grace, that must have made it holy water.
I would contemplate if anyone would think I murdered them and accommodate.
