I promise there’s no scoffing here! I love my analog bidet, and am always on the lookout for an upgrade, if the price is right. Especially if it can be fitted to a standard american toilet.
Happily taking recommendations, if you have any. The features you listed sound refreshing, relaxing, and somewhat intimidating. Which, to be clear, I’m into.
kebab will always be my top choice, unless shawarma is also an option