This happens in Germany.
Work culture doesn’t fit my personality: I don’t talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don’t have patience for that crap anymore.
Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I’m quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don’t want to experience that again. Even saying ‘it’s none of your business’ ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don’t have patience for people like that anymore.
So, what do I say?
Start telling a long and rambling story that in no way relates. Keep talking until interrupted.
Interrupt yourself with explanations that jump from place to place on the timeline of events but doesn’t help the story in the slightest. “It all began with (insignificant event) back in (month and year). We were supposed to be doing (work task with too detailed of an explanation), but (coworker) started talking to us about (current event at the time, explain in too much detail). Then (I/family member/friend) got COVID about a week or so later. I think they probably got it from not wearing a mask at (event). (Explain all the COVID precautions and conspiracies and left vs right politics).”
So basically watch some Trump speeches and mimic them.
People who talk like that exist and I have to work with them on my team. They have been to, I think, a psychiatric hospital multiple times too.
Be sure to punctuate your actions with the occasional “…Which was the style at the time.”
Exactly the example I was thinking of. “Give me five bees for a nickel, you’d say.”
I remember being on the hiring committee for my new manager. One of the two finalist candidates took several times longer than necessary to answer the questions without adding substance. When we met to discuss our decision, most committee members tried to voice more substantive reasons. Finally someone just cut the shit and said something like “it sounds like no one wants to listen to him talk.” So yes, yammering is an excellent people repellent.
If they ask you to get to the part where the reason for quitting comes up, insist on giving them the “necessary” “context”.
Then continue talking, except this time about some completely different incident. If they ask you to complete the previous incident, insist you were talking about this new incident all along.
Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues
Now if there was ever a job for an LLM like ChatGPT, this is it
I asked llama2.ai and this is what it said.
The suggestions sound… generic. I guess that’s the point.
- Keep it simple: • “I’ve decided it’s time for me to move on to new opportunities. I’m excited about what the future holds.” • “I’m leaving for personal reasons, but I’m grateful for the experience I’ve gained here.”
- Emphasize positivity: • “I’ve learned so much during my time here, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to have worked with such a great team.” • “I’ve really enjoyed my time at this company, and I’m going to miss working with you all.”
- Offer support during the transition: • “I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly during the transition. Is there anything specific you’d like me to focus on in my remaining time here?” • “I’m happy to help with training or knowledge transfer in any way I can. Just let me know what you need.”
ChatGPT gave me:
“I have decided to move on to pursue different opportunities. Thank you for your support and cooperation during my time here.”
Nice! I asked llama2 to provide two examples of each.
These are the best answers of the bunch. Honest, direct, and without emotion.
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I’ve quit a toxic workplace before - I just said “it’s a bad commute”. Nobody can really pick at that reasoning since everyone has way too many personal variables for commutes (even from adjacent houses) to be comprable.
“You! You’re the reason I’m quitting. Yeah, you’re just kind of a shithead, you never do anything, you just kinda run your mouth all day long and I can’t fucking stand it. Like an unbuttered piece of toast thinking it’s interesting…”
And then scream at them, start laughing like a maniac for some time and start crying loudly.
That will be the most awkward interaction ever.
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This is where my mind went too. Instead of a dull response, come up with some elaborate, ridiculous response.
Tell them you got recruited by the US CIA to root out foreign corporate espionage and begin your training with Seal Team Six in 4 weeks.
So, an elaborate form of “if I told you, I’d have to kill you after”
“My undercover job here is done.”
Just say, “I don’t feel passionate about this work and I want to look for something that I find more fulfilling.”
Tell them your shoes are getting old and you’re too lazy to buy new ones, and coming to work is just wearing them out more
Man tbh that can work out to be a nice metaphor for OPs situation.
The colour of the walls irritates me.
You’re kinda asking non German people how to deal with German people I’m not sure you’ll get what you’re looking for here
“I got an offer I couldn’t refuse.” and leave it at that! The offer might as well be just ‘not having to deal with you guys anymore’.
Just say personal reasons. Even if they’re nosy and keep pushing, in that case they’re clearly in the wrong to any sane person looking on, because it’s normal to not want to share your deepest most personal problems with your coworkers.
“well, with how things are going…”
“You’ll find out soon enough”
“You know about mice and ships…?”
Refuse to elaborate further.“I’d rather not say”. Repeat this single answer until they desist.
A bearded stranger told me to throw away a ring.
Tell me where is Gandalf for I much desire to speak with him.
Best I can do is have a bearded man expose you as a thief to your neighbours, only to have have his friends party at your home at a later point in time.
The water is too crunchy here.
They’ve changed the kale vendor at the bistro I frequent, it’s now a much inferior product. Unfortunately the next closest establishment that serves my favorite lemon kale salad is too far away, so I have had to take employment elsewhere.
