Please read post for full context; any help or input is appreciated! I disclosed sensitive info to a close female coworker (let’s say Ann), who is best friends with the male coworker mentioned (Ned). I’m sure she told him, but then they both seemed to want me to still tell him directly. I did because I believe in doing the right thing, and Ann also was a huge help for something relating to my info, even though I strongly did not want this secret to spread. Ned kept it secret; however, I detest how he started feeling like he had the upper hand and could manipulate me like a puppet to do stupid intern shit for him like repeatedly printing files, including evenings and even attempted to reach me on the weekend by text. I ignored and replied from my work email the next Monday. I could see in his eyes that he had romantic thoughts about me which is largely what made all of this sickening. Ann also went behind my back to tell my private business to one of our other coworkers, who is extremely judgmental and tough on people, and even he did not exploit it - leading us to actually become much closer and respect each other.
What pissed me off the most was when Ned - and Ann - ganged up and tried coercing me into letting him drop me off at home on a Saturday night after I reluctantly made sacrifices in my schedule to meet with them two - choosing to ignore my multiple clear “NO” about the ride as I preferred public transportation. I was having a panic attack in his car while they just relentlessly and repeatedly egged me on, thinking they could break me. They finally let up after going back and forth, and I went home by public transpo.
Ned went to a different team so we didn’t talk for months. I then updated everyone in a mass email about my leaving the overall group, and that’s when he called. Again, he waited until evening - after work hours - to call me. I instantly feel disgusted as it took me back to that traumatic experience. Why can’t he just get the hint and drop it? I did not reach out to him directly to update him, even though it is related to the original sensitive info, because I do not want to talk or encourage anything! I do not want to keep in touch with someone who completely disregarded my preferences and basically nearly kidnapped me. I have no interest in him platonically, romantically, or professionally. Should I call back, text, email from my soon-to-expire work address, email from my personal address, or ignore him? I’m afraid it’ll still bug me if I ignore. I also want to be on good terms with Ann (she has some connections where I’m heading to and I fear she’ll retaliate), even if she doesn’t understand what went wrong and no one has apologized since that incident.
Block his number, and report him to HR immediately
I wouldn’t block the number, to keep gathering evidence if any comes, but I 100% agree with reporting to HR. And the police. Depending on the details, you being in his car and them refusing your explicit request to be free of the situation may have been a crime.
It’s unlikely that anything will happen to him, but having a police report on file will (a) be a useful piece of information to have recorded objectively, if in the future he does anything else to you or someone else (b) be a deterrent; it will dramatically increase your safety if he knows that you’re okay with involving the law to protect yourself against him.
He’ll probably be upset, if it goes anywhere. Fuck him. That’s a tactic to put pressure on to discourage you from protecting yourself.
It will also increase OP’s safety for her to know she’s willing to do that.
Is it possible this could change the severity of the reactions, such as HR and police involvement? The car was parked and I technically could have bailed in the middle of their sentence, so it wasn’t like they were forcefully shackling me or operating a moving vehicle. Any legal professionals able to comment? At any rate, that is exactly what he is doing - feeding toxic culture by snitching to Ann that I ignored whatever attempt he did to reach me again - and then she went and told our other coworker that I mentioned. Unbelievable, toxic culture.
Yes if you report to HR and/or the police it will increase the severity of the response. It will go from basically zero, to non-zero.
It’s a serious thing to do. You are allowed to do serious shit when your own safety is threatened. You are allowed to take yourself seriously, and our society is structured such that if you request help, your request will be taken seriously by others as well.
Yeah. 😢 IDK what to tell you about the toxic culture or how to navigate it.
Probably based on the details you described, it’s not a crime and maybe better to leave it alone… IDK. Maybe good to get some feedback from people closer to the situation? It just sounds creepy as hell.
I want to so badly but what about the bridges that would burn? He isn’t the most well-liked but he has been there for a while and has connections with two really important leaders who did help me out a lot, including Ann (as much as I hate to admit it; all this happened after I opened up to her help)
You will survive the consequences better than he will. Whatever you may suffer as consequences in the aftermath, you will still have your dignity, intact, and that is what matters. Do you have to do, move on, and survive. And seriously, fuck this guy. You owe him nothing, and he is sucking the life out of you. Cast him away, once and for all.
Well said, he is the type of guy who would change his behavior completely if I were a male. So in a word, misogynist as was mentioned above. It still makes me so angry, mainly the lack of respect. It also confuses me that someone I shared all this with, who is of a very different culture, said Ann/Ned didn’t really do anything wrong (which no one has said on this thread). I know this person means well but I would really understand them better if they weren’t always trying to see what I could do better from my side, and acknowledge that sometimes other people are the bad guy.
I gotta be honest: I didn’t even read the story. I just read your headline and advised you to contact HR.
The rest of it is irrelevant. This person is toxic and terrible, and it sounds like you very much know that. It also sounds like you know what to do, and you don’t need anyone else’s permission to do it.
Take care of yourself, and best of luck!
This helps a lot, thank you!
I don’t want you to think that I’m discounting your story or that I don’t think it matters. Of course what you’re going through matters. What I mean by what I said is that the red flags and the hitting the “get the fuck out of here” button was evident in your headline. I didn’t need to hear the “why”. I’d already heard enough.
You’re smart enough to know that some Fuckery is going on and that it is wrong. You’re strong enough to stand up and say, “this is wrong! “. And while you are here, making sure to confirm that you’re not crazy, let me at least say: you’re not crazy! Do something to protect yourself and fight back! And if you can’t, get the fuck out of this situation!
Sadly, your company’s HR will side with the company and to try to protect itself should you complain to them. So, when you do, keep that in mind. What I mean by this is that you must frame both your complaint AND your approach in such a way that I dressing your complaints is in their best interest.
HOW they do this, however, is the dice-roll. The reasonable and rational way may not be the way that is the most expedient “protect the companies ass” way. Maybe you look out and get a great HR person who really is on your side and does the right thing. But the likelihood of that is very low. It’s more likely that the HR person is going to try to protect the company and deal with the situation as a bothersome annoyance, dealing with his situation in a “both sides” manner in order to appear neutral and make the problem just go away.
Prepare for this.
Unless you can provide a mountain of evidence of egregious offense, by this other person, this could blow back on you. If you can, good, but even still, there could be consequences. I’m sorry, there shouldn’t be, and there are technically legal protections against us, but shitty workplaces and toxic workplace cultures, always find their way around these sorts of things. This may not apply where you work, but you should still be prepared for it nonetheless.
However, you should not let any of this dissuade you from doing what is right in standing out to yourself and making sure that you have a safe workplace. Be brave.
You should really talk to HR. If you’re super duper non-confrontational, I see maybe two other options:
Chastise Ann for not having your back. Make her tell Ned to stop being a creep
Talk to Ned’s boss informally and say Ned has made uncomfortable comments/advances.