I have imposter syndrome, both at work and in my relationship.
Take it from me op. Drop the imposter stuff in your relationship, that can kill a relationship. I very nearly lost my wife early on because “I just can’t believe you want to be with me”. That isn’t attractive.
They like you, that’s why they’re with you. They weren’t tricked, you didn’t fool them, they like you. Who you are. All you gotta do is like them back :)
The best way to deal with imposter syndrome is to remember what got you here. All the things you do and did that other people can’t or aren’t willing to do.
I know a girl who just left her boyfriend because he didn’t show affection, didn’t try on dates, and just stopped trying altogether. Imagine the average person, then 50% of them being worse than that. Surely we can convince ourselves we’re above average if only slightly.
How long I’ve been single
I have never been in a relationship in my 36 years, in my daily life I feel secure, but I am fucking terrified when I think about finding a partner, I am interested in finding one as I am getting pissed at allways being alone, but I have no idea on where to start.
It’s just really hard. I would put it up there as one of the most challenging things we do in life. It can be absolutely soul destroying to be rejected.
if you think not having anyone is bad, dating will ruin you. it’s brutal, illogical, and cruel.
That sounds like absolute hyperbole.
Also while there are times I do feel lonely and desperately want someone to share my life with, I am under no illusions that what I am imagining is a fairytale and that a real relationship will be very different.
In my dreams my partner has no real objectives on her own, that would be increadibly boring in reality.
In my dreams my partner is an accessory to my existance only existing to make me happy, in reality in an ideal relationship we both have goals, needs and wants, and work together to acchive both or goals, needs and wants.
I realize that my dream partner does not exist as I imagine her, and that we will both need to grow into a successfull partnership.
I am still quite happy living alone, so if/when a relationship doesn’t work out, I will still be capable of living on my own.
I don’t want a housewife, I find the entire concept unfair to both parties, unfair to me for shouldering me with all income for the household, unfair to my partner for forcing her to give up her carreer. I realize it works for some, but not for me.
Talk to someone who has been through a divorce and had their entire life destroyed.
And get out of your own head.
Well obviously if you just speak to people who has had bad experiences, then yeah, you will just hear about the bad stuff…
It’s almost impossible to find someone these days. Social media made people a lot more picky and everyone is trying to find the perfect person that doesn’t exist. Apps like tinder ruined it even more.
It depends on an age group. I would agree that in a group of 20-30 it’s a mess, but 35+ you can find a decent partner (depending on your age of course).
Odd. That’s backwards from what I generally hear people talk about. When you’re still in your early twenties, it’s very easy to meet people in college/university. Once you start getting older and leaving behind schooling and its associated extracurriculars, it gets way more difficult to meet people. Where are these 35+ people going out and finding partners? Not saying it’s impossible by any stretch of the imagination, just a lot harder.
bingo.
the whole ‘you’ll do better when you’re older’ is a myth told to silence people who are unhappy in their 20s. Things don’t get better, they stay the same or get worse. People don’t magically mature at the age of 35 or anything… typically they just double down on bad attitudes.
people generally tell comforting myths and lies to themselves and collectively because the harsh reality of the situation is too terrifying to accept.
people also generally believe that ‘one day i’ll be rich’. even though they are 45 and working at a cashier in a gas station.
it’s also easier to tell yourself comforting BS because then you don’t have to take action and realize you are mostly a product of the choices you have made.
I agree it’s easier when you are older. Not in late 20s early 30s but there is a lot of movement when people break up because they chose badly when young. So after 35, it opens up again.
no you can’t.
I am over 35. I had no toruble finding people 20-35. Now I have a lot of trouble and I have nothing in common with people my own age, not to mention the ones i do meet up with… are incredibly angry at their exes/life, and many of them are still expecting to find ‘the one’ as in someone who saves them from their own bad choices/habits. It’s dark.
at least when i was younger people were optimistic and fun… now a first date is always ‘what’s your income, what is the price of your home, can you provide for me? if you aren’t you’re a selfish worthless asshole of a man’.
and i’m like, ‘ok’.
I have been single since 20 year so yeah it sucks
Same
Posting things online.
I have no “traditional” social media accounts, and over half the comments I type here I delete without posting. I don’t like people judging me & talking behind my back, so my introvert tendencies include semi anonymous things like Lemmy.
what about what people say about you IRL behind your back?
I have a mild speech impairment. I don’t stutter on a daily basis but when I’m under heavy stress or when I’m tired I tend to stutter-ish. On top of that I live in a country where I don’t speak in my native language and sometimes I feel self-conscious about small mistakes I make (like using the wrong word or messing up the grammar) which induces the stress response. It’s not a big deal but it makes me crazy when I can’t express my thoughts in public.
people who shit on people for imperfect language are insecure assholes.
it’s just as stupid online when people grammar police you for written words.
I have this mildly interesting story. When I moved to Australia I’ve shipped whole bunch of things by sea to cut the cost. It took months to arrive but when I finally got here I had to pick up my stuff from a storage location. The best part is that because I’m a white guy the person who was designed to handle the forklift (also white) was more than helpful (despite my accent and some grammar issues). But once the delivery guys arrived (mostly middle east) he turned into racist asshole. And the “best” part was that I was part of his racial slurs, mostly because I wasn’t using proper grammar…
I don’t mean to belittle your feelings about it, but I would find that cute af. There are certainly people around you that would feel the same.
Well, sometimes I get away with some petty wrongdoings just because I stutter. And I’ve learned it to use it for my advantage. Just to be clear, I’m not abusing this “power”, it’s mostly “organic”.
my ethics
Work ethics or moral ethics?
both :(
‘The woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those who sang the best.’
Teeth. Many years of poor dental hygiene.
Everything, but specially my ability yo make decisions.
It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. You just have to say “Are you sure?” to make me feel insecure about any topic, at work, home or with friends. And, of course, then every bad consequence is my fault.
I would feel insecure anyways, but i can usually control my feelings. Say that sentence and i struggle even to walk.
are you sure?
I guess mental health. I am all kinds of fucked up.
Not getting enough updootes.
My weight fluctuates. Sometimes I bloat up from medicine. Sometimes I can’t eat and lose weight. I can’t seem to just be me and be happy and have people like me no matter what my weight is. It is really frustrating going through your whole life hating your body because of external standards.
“Don’t care what other people think.”
Ok yeah well when you feel like people stare at you and silent judge you all the time, and internally you do the same thing to others and hate yourself even more for being part of the problem.
It’s constant brainwashing of the ‘ideal body’ when the reality is people come in all shapes and sizes. It’s hard to change that mindset when all the ads you see around you tell you differently.
I never feel like I fit in clothing wise no matter what. I’ve figured out a way to make a lot of pocket money and I continually buy clothes and shoes in the hopes that one day I feel right but I seldom do.
May I ask your body type? You don’t have to answer here if you don’t want to, but I have daughters of various shapes but similar sizes, might be able to help. I am literally more confident naked than in badly fitting clothes, you are not crazy. Those pictures you see online are tailored and styled, not off the rack. And often photoshopped as well.
I’m average to hippy, shall we say. I have large breasts so even when I’m at my thinnest I still need larger tops.
What do you like about your body? Like do you like the big boobs, or your height or waist? I always think the big boobs look so good in plunge necklines but sure that’s impractical for everyday wear. I will very, very, very strongly urge you to find a tailor, if you are curvy, they can take those too-big shirts and make them body skimming so that you don’t feel dumpy. They can take in the waist, but also fit it to your shoulders, so that it drapes well.
Lemmy doesn’t have the fashion advice threads like reddit did, I kinda liked those. But if you are not too short, I imagine the nice flowy pants and a closer fit on the top, my sister has the big (purchased) boobs and looks so good in that style. If you are quite petite then straight leg or jogger bottoms that fit a little closer and T- shirt that is high hip length (also works if you are tall but is harder to find the shirts). Again, tailor so the front of the shirt doesn’t land higher than the back. I don’t like dresses but if your waist is the smallest point dresses will be so flattering, close fitting through the bust and high waist then flow downward.
It does depend on what you personally consider assets though, and cultivating an objectivity so you don’t just dismiss every look as not you, not attractive, or not appropriate, you gotta look at yourself as though it’s someone else in the mirror, your body twin, a friend with a similar build.
I like that I’m curvy and I do tend to V necks because the tittays are still impressive even at 50 haha. I am on the shorter side so some stuff just makes me look dumpy, like long dresses or high waisted stuff. I just did a big clothes shop and did really well, but I always end up feeling underdressed somehow? And I gravitate towards bright colours and prints when other people seem to be in black leggings and runners.
The bright colors and patterns will be such a glorious old lady style though, when you get old!
I live in Florida & underdressed isn’t a thing here. I would bet money that all you really need is a tailor, it’s not surprising you would feel dumpy if you have to buy clothes based on your bust size and they are too big everywhere else. Especially if you are curvy petite. There are so many gifted seamstresses working out of houses where I live, it’s a thriving cottage industry. There is an ancient old black lady who lives behind us that does my kids’ clothes when they are going to quinces and bat mitzvahs, proms, all those fancy ass parties you have to look good for, I can’t afford actual evening wear and the seamstresses can turn the thrift store dresses into great looking unique stuff for them. Do not learn to sew. Just find someone good at it.
That’s a good idea. Thank you for all the advice!
This entire exchange was incredibly wholesome and made my day
The FDA will hate me for sharing this with you, but when I feel that way, it’s usually because I’ve gained some weight, or feel bloated, and the only things that seem to help are ivermectin and pyrantel. I don’t know if that’s how you feel in terms of clothes not fitting right, but if so, I hope it helps!
I’m actually on a medication that is used for weight loss and lost a TON of weight. But you never feel fully skinny with large breasts.
big billowy clothing is in right now. it’s not supposed to ‘fit’.
I just feel all boobs in it.
That some people are irreparably broken and I’m one of them.
a lot of people just refuse to fix their shit and take responsibility for their actions. you don’t have to be one of them
That’s not what they mean. People who think they are broken will have been dealt a bad hand in life and our society’s fundamental statute of “treat everyone the same by being equally shitty to everyone” means the same shit hits harder for the people with the bad hand and when they see other people with a better hand managing to deal with it they start to think that something is wrong with them.
That or a basic preconception of who/what/where they should be in life that they find themselves either not achieving or veering away from. It’s that old “be a man” bullshit with a very strict view of what a “man” is and not enough wiggle room to accommodate who they really are.
The mean life is life? Everyone deals with that.
Every single person agonizing about what is ‘wrong’ with them. Why people don’t ‘like’ them. etc. Esp very popular, attractive, and successful people. They agonize about it a lot more than you.
I get called judgemental all the time. I have on idea why. I don’t judge anyone. And yet… they judge me as judgemental.
It drives me nuts. I think it’s just my face and the fact I don’t smile constantly. It also makes socializing very difficult, because I only tend to get along with very secure chill folks… which there aren’t many of in the world. I often have people blow up at me for ‘being mean to them’ even though I have said nothing to them and didn’t even notice them.
I’ve had some people call me judgemental because I’m seeing them do something wrong/failing at something and I’m trying to show them how to do it right. A lot of people get very defensive about being taught how to do something.
I leave people alone because I want to be left alone.
Yeah, but others may not see it that way because they are analyzing your actions through their thought process.
You’ve heard of resting bitch face. I have angry dad voice. I always sound like I’m barking orders.
Random thought: find some YouTubers who have Autism, watch a few videos, and see if you can strongly relate. If you do relate, it might be something worth exploring.
Yeah, that’s it. I’m clearly autistic. Even though I have zero symptoms of autism or ADHD and have been tested for it and had low markers… just like the ordinary average person does.
It was simply a suggestion given that my neurodivergent friends have similar experiences. It’s good that you ruled it out though.
I don’t have a girlfriend (because I can’t get one) when everyone around me is in a relationship.
do women approach you or flirt with you?
Unfortunately no. If it was the opposite, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
So when I was dating a while back I was apparently fuckin terrible at picking up hints. the ladies were dropping hints but my insecurities had brainwashed me into not seeing them. It was embarrassingly bad on my part.
One thing I had to learn was that if I asked someone out and they said no or didn’t reciprocate wasn’t a loss or rejection. You’re in the same space and you can move on.
One thing I had to learn was that if I asked someone out and they said no or didn’t reciprocate wasn’t a loss or rejection.
Not only that, but you dodged a bullet. I thank women when they respectfully reject me. It’s awesome.
Also, think about all the times you were turned down. Does any of that matter now?? Nope. No one involved cares at all if they even remember. I think something that might help with this is for OP to place themselves in a position where they reject others. They could experience the other side and see that it’s not a bad thing. It’s just that they think it’s not for them and nothing else. And even in the rare chance that the rejection is seen as something else by the rejecting person, then even better because that’s not just dodging a bullet but dodging an artillery shell.
