By “party”, I mean a physical social gathering of people for the purposes of having fun. It may be used in a sentence as “I am throwing a party!” or “Let’s party!”.
Basically what I am trying to say is the default “party”.
I’ve never been to any, and I have no idea how people spend their time on parties, so I am curious how you did.
Since I didn’t see any responses that directly answered the question of what do you DO, I’ve prepared a short guide for a generic social gathering. This guide may be inappropriate in some contexts such as a dinner party or event/tv show watching party, etcetera:
- Show up
- Not at the exact start time, but at a minimum of 15-20 minutes “late”
- Bringing an unopened bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer, or another drink of choice is almost always a classy move.
- If you drove, don’t park like an asshole. Consider the neighbors.
- If you’re standing on the doorstep and you can hear music, it’s probably safe to just walk in (make sure you’re at the right place!). Otherwise, knock/ring doorbell.
- Party!
- Get yourself a drink and/or a plate of food if snacks are out
- Find friends and say hi! You should probably know at least one other person. How else would you have been invited?
- Explore! Hosts expect people in their house so it’s generally okay to look around, admire artwork, investigate the music, go into the backyard, etc. Don’t go anywhere that’s obviously closed off, unlit, or otherwise not a party locale.
- Talk and socialize. Meet new people! Ask your friend(s) to introduce you to their friend(s). Lightly eavesdrop on convos for something interesting you can talk about. Listen in general. Ask people what they like to do. Share stories about yourself! Pro tip: the length of your stories should be proportional to how well you know the person you’re telling it to. Just met the person? Suuuuper short stories. “No way! That reminds me of the time my cat was in the bathroom when she got hit by a car! The vet said she was very lucky to have a good friend!” (Confession: I used autocomplete to write that story)
- Dance!
- Find the host and complement their place, the party, the music, food, whatever. Just be nice. Offer to help if they look at all stressed.
- Play party games like beer pong or whatever.
- Leave! Say thanks. Take your stuff. Cleanup whatever plates/glasses you’ve used. Don’t drive drunk. Don’t overstay your welcome.
This was probably too much info. I have insomnia. I hope someone reads this.
I have some details that could supplement the outline.
Just for reference. Talk and socialise genarally take up anywhere from 80-95% of total time spent at parties. Generally most other activities include socialising even though they’re structured. Beer pong you talk about beer pong and/or make fun of people’s throws as well as just regular talking.
For neurodivergent people I recommend searching areas with fewer people, smoking is very convenient in those situations for a break between 3 sets of talking 10 minutes. Alcohol really helps too since it removes some of the talking friction. Dancing is also a good option since it’s less talking and is a structured activity that’s well received at most parties.
I enjoy parties as a charge of pace and getting rid of loneliness for example. Talking to friends and ignoring the rest is also fun but parties are exhausting imo.
As a neurodivergent person I recommend becoming acquainted with the dance floor.
Just the right amount.
Like a story about a cat with a good friend: short but memorable
God, that sounds miserable. Good to know my neurodivergent ass wasn’t missing anything.
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I mean, it doesn’t sound fun written out in bullets but parties are usually a great time for my own socially anxious neurodivergent ass lol. That said, besides work events, I haven’t gone to a party where I don’t already know most of the people in years. Jumping alone into a convo of strangers is my hell.
As a neurodivergent, I get through these events by pretending to be an alien anthropologist trying to blend in and study humans. Conversations are usually easy to start by asking, “So, how do you know the host?” Most people enjoy talking about themselves, so if you nod and listen, you’ll be popular.
Occasionally you’ll meet someone truly interesting. Arrange to meet with them later and follow up. This is pretty much the best way to make friends in the modern age, with intentionality.
“pretending” to be an alien anthropologist trying to blend in and study humans
There, I fixed that for you
At the “talk and socialize” bullet, I was imagining sidling up to some group I don’t know, eavesdropping on their conversation, and standing there like a creep trying to figure out the best time to say anything relevant to contribute, but failing and standing awkwardly in silence until I just walk away.
I’ll stay home, thanks.
Haha, I can definitely understand this feeling. It can be difficult to overcome! It doesn’t always “work”, and sometimes you will just stand there awkwardly. The good news is that nobody is going to care or remember. Seriously. You’re basically an NPC to people you don’t know. I’ve been to hundreds of parties in my life and have zero tangible memories of other people’s “awkward proximity”. Nobody cares about you as much as you do, which is slightly sad but majorly liberating.
Yeah same. I never know how to integrate into an existing group
Make a new group consisting of you plus the members of the existing group.
The part where you screw up is seeing yourself as a creep.
I understand others have probably said that to you enough times you just internalized it but you gotta stop believing people when they tear you down.
Good parties are wonderful, the type of party described above does sound miserable but you can choose which parties you want to attend. Personally I like parties that revolve around board games and interesting conversations where the only real social rule is to bring something: cheeses, an appetizer, weird booze, just something so all the provisions aren’t the sole duty of the host.
I’m ADHD, never investigated but scoring high on ASD assessments. It can be fun, with the right people. It wholly depends on who’s there. I’m usually with the people sitting outside, having fun conversations over a beer and/or a joint. It’s just the genetic term for “gathering where there’s food and substances”. You’ll find that you can often meet other NDs overwhelmed by the amount of people and music waiting for you over there. Chill times.
Reading comprehension seems difficult, so I’ll go over it again, quoted verbatim from my previous comment:
ADHD, never investigated but scoring high on ASD assessments
Here’s what you can deduce from this sentence:
- I’m ADHD
- I scored high on ASD assessment tests
- Never got diagnosed for it (it being ASD)
Here’s what you can’t deduce from this sentence:
- “random online tests”: the self-assessment tests I made were provided by both my family doc and official governmental health resources
- that I don’t have something because I don’t currently have an official diagnosis: do you think people with cancer don’t have cancer until a doctor says so? I spoke with professionals, but I’d need an adult assessment. Neuropsychiatric resources are already scarce for children as is it, getting an appointment for an adult over here is a rather difficult and time consuming process, for, in my case, discutable benefits
Why do you do this?
My least favorite thing in the entire universe is having to take time to explicitly spell out what I’m not saying.
I fucking hate that people can’t stop reading extra shit I didn’t write.
I’m ADHD never diagnosed scored high on random online tests
bruh
You’re not the first one saying a person should arrive late. Why is this a thing? Is it just a cultural norm in the West? Or is it a thing everywhere?
Not late late, just late enough that the host has had time to make sure everything is in order, or just to not be the first guest to show up.
Usually a party lasts at least a few hours, so showing up 30 minutes after the start of the party isn’t “being late,” it’s just showing up to a party in progress. Unless it’s a specifically scheduled “arrive at 8pm” kind of affair, in which case the host would mention it and you’d be expected to be there at that time.
I’d add it also depends on your familiarity with the host. Most hosts don’t appreciate if the first guest is a friend of a friend or distant coworker that they feel obliged to entertain while still busy with final preparations. Whereas if you’re a good friend, they can (often) feel more comfortable saying yeah make yourself at home I’ve got last minute things to do.
I imagine it’s an even looser norm in places outside the west, considering the west tends to view time/punctuality as more “concrete” than some others. For some of my friends born outside the west, if we tell them the actual start time of an event we shouldn’t expect them any sooner than an hour after that lol.
It’s a really weird thing and something you should carefully consider based on the type of party. The 15 minutes late advice only really applies to getting drunk parties in college.
Yeah if this party is in the Situation Room with the President, you should show up a little early.
Nothing’s quite so awkward as showing up already drunk, dressed wrong, and 25 minutes late to a special briefing about the volcano erupting in Cleveland.
dance
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Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
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Own it!
The reason I like lemmy, and reddit before, is that it feels like a cocktail party. You wander into a conversation already in progress, listen awhile, maybe say something, maybe make a new human connection.
I just shat my pants
What a novel response to our discussion on inflation. Oh you must come to my soiree next Sunday, I find your opinions riveting!
Did someone fart in here? These replies stink
I fart and leave.
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You basically hide in the kitchen with the other kitchen hiding people until the party ends, particularly when someone in the living room picks up an acoustic guitar.
This is what you do when you’re invited to a party where you either just know the host or are a +1.
We need to ban the acoustic guitar players from parties. They’re vibe killers and they don’t even realize it.
Who actually wants to sit around in a silent group to watch some guy or girl sing a slow acoustic cover of Bruce Springsteen?
I love guitars at parties. You don’t play with the intention of being the focus of everyone’s attention, but rather to provide some background music to fit the mood of the ongoing conversation around you.
I have so much respect for musicians who can play in the background
If getting drunk around a campfire counts as a party, that ban needs an exception. If the bluetooth speakers are dead at 2am, someone pulling out a guitar is the best thing that can happen.
The silence is the issue. I usually hum or sing along or give song recommendations.
(My friends are disproportionately likely to be musicians.)
Is that you, Zuckerberg?
Drink, talk, play games, share music. If I don’t know many people, it’s normal for your friends to be socialising with a bunch of other people they know. I usually grab a beer, look for two or three friendly people sitting down, have a sit, tell them my name, and tell them I know no one except that guy surrounded by a bunch of strangers. Almost always they’re friendly back, start asking questions about me, I ask question about them, and soon enough we’ve reached a common ground or some topic we can talk about.
If I’m ever stuck alone again, I can seek them out like, “Yup, it’s happened again so I’m just gonna hang around you guys so I don’t feel weird.” And that’s always quite a laugh.
Extroverts are your best friends in these situations. Most love leading the conversation and appreciate you seek them out. They’ll take care of you. It’s not awkward at all.
It’s a social gathering. Of a specific group of people. The difference between a party, and a group lunch, is basically the time frames, and a more curated group of people tend to go to a party. Whereas a lunch tends to be who’s available.
Parties tend to be some celebration, which is a human social norm, but really the reason for the party is less important than the social interaction. Humans need periodic social contact to maintain relationships, and parties are a good avenue for that.
There’s a whole spectrum of parties, there’s dance parties, there’s drug parties, there’s alcohol parties, there’s board game parties, there’s beer parties, there’s dinner parties, there’s anything. Any form of human social engagement could be a party.
Just think of parties as a way to maintain your social standing, and refresh relationship status, with a group of related people at once. So it’s very efficient in that regard.
Good description.
A party is also simply an opportunity for people to get together, to hang out together, to catch up on what the other people have done or experienced recently, and to tell/brag/complain about your own life.
This is how you maintain friendships: keep in touch, have a half-decent understanding of what their life is like, and share their ups&downs as well as your own.
It sucks.
The hoods and cloaks are claustrophobic and hot. They don’t serve any food. There’s a lot of chanting and singing in Latin.
Everyone has to do this choreographed routine involving raising their arms at the right time and marching to different places and standing still.
You aren’t allowed to talk or anything, unless you’re running the shindig.
It’s basically a bunch of that until the goat gets sacrificed, and then at least one of the members will have some sort of seizure or something, and it’s overly dramatic.
It’s kind of cool when the dude spontaneously catches on fire until they start walking between the acolytes and giving their ‘blessing.’
Then there’s the week of lost time afterwards where you have no idea what your body is being used for, or even which entity is using it. Almost got fired one time for that.
And you’re bound to ruin a few outfits with random blood stains, tears, dirt marks.
3/10.
Sometimes we get to eat part of the goat though, but it’s raw. So I guess that kind of makes up for the no food.
But how do you determine if you accidentally wandered into a Kubrick set?
Try the kool-aid next time!
Yeah I know the bestowed ones get to drink the goat blood but after sweating in the cloak for an hour, blood is the last thing you want to drink.
Here try this
It’s grape
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You can either walk around and talk to people (most people are receptive to being spoken to) or nervously hold your drink in hand, as you wait for someone to approach you.
Personally I prefer the former. If I’m by myself I just look for someone who seems nervous and uncomfortable. I’m friendly, and as long as I’m in a good mood I tend to make people feel comfortable around me- but I have had times where I just stand there. Standing and waiting is highly unpleasant. Better to hide in the bathroom if that’s what you’ll be doing instead of chatting. Highly recommend chatting or “mingling”
(If someone is lame, boring or seems uninterested, just approach someone else. Most groups will also make a space for you if you approach them in the event that there are no loners)
This part is hard but you need to push yourself through it. The worst thing that can happen is that no conversation develops and you have to do it again.
Another favorite of mine is walking around to see what different groups are talking about. If there’s a topic that you know about, just ask them if that’s indeed the topic of the conversation and if it is, you just joined.
Talk about themselves while trying to make it seem like they are asking about you.
“So, you ever been to Mt Everest?”
“Oh, no… … … You?”
“Ah yeah man, it was like a religious experience. You have to go. It will change your life.”
“Oh neat. I’ll keep it in mind.”
“You ever been skydiving?”
FML
This guy parties.
I don’t know about people, but for me, in the parties I attended, it was various mixes of talking, drinking alcohol, eating, playing games, listening to music, and dancing. No activity was mandatory. Usually there’s always talking, drinking and alcohol, the rest depends on the party.
It starts by inviting your core friend group over an hour early for pre drinks. You and your friends drink and put some music on and as people arrive you integrate them into whatever you’re doing. As more people arrive and everyone gets drunk people break off and chat, dance, play games
If you’ve ever been to a festival or fair, think of it as a miniature version of that. It’s mostly just a hangout for people to do fun things they wouldn’t do everyday, since they feel the day is exceptional.
Party is also known as neurodivergent hell. Avoid. If you can’t avoid, the kitchen is a good place to hide.
Not all ND includes social avoidance. Let’s not promote bias.
Sometimes, you end up at a party consisting of only neurodivergent people and the entire party just takes place in the kitchen.
Or just go outside with the couple of other socially avoiding NDs and have a good time. You’ll never have fun if you go there expecting to hate it either.
Where I come from, the kitchen is the primary party location. We literally call them “kitchen parties.” Back in the day, the kitchen was where you’d usually find the wood stove, so it was generally the warmest room in the house, so if you were going to do anything you might as well do it where it’s warm. Also, it’s the closest place to the other extreme — the cold refrigerator where the beer and drinks are. Best of both worlds.
There will be no escape for you at a kitchen party.
That said, probably no one will care you’re keeping to yourself either way.
Most of the parties I go to are typically just chatting and drinking/smoking. Good way to meet new people that likely have similar interests to you, since everybody there already has at least one common connection, usually. Activities will depend on the friend group. Some of my get-togethers will have a light-hearted board game, sometimes everyone will watch a movie and riff on it MST3K-style, sometimes we’ll just get high and bitch to each other about work.
Personally, I don’t really go to parties where there’s music or dancing, since that’s not really my scene. But sometimes the mood will just be right and someone may crank up some tunes and start moving.
It really varies depending on your personal circles. If you’re invited and feeling anxious about it, just go with no expectations. Just show up, hang out, chat a bit, and feel things out. If you decide you don’t like it, you can always just leave, and usually nobody’s gonna care.
