This is my daughter’s idea - blind date set up by her. I’ve been single since my divorce 2 years ago.
A thirty year old woman is reasonably an adult. You’re not going to be grooming her or anything. The older you get, the less an age difference is really an issue.
I suppose it’s about intentions, but as someone who always looked to settle down and find the person to live the rest of my life is, a big agegap can be pretty problematic later in life.
Like the obvious one: your partner dying while you’re still just middle aged.
Having to take care of an old person with old person needs as a 55-65 year old.
If they want children in a few years, OP could be 75 by the time the child moves out.
Again, it’s all about what the intentions are, but these things are worth considering.
The older you get, the less an age difference is really an issue.
Have you ever heard a 95 yo talking about 80 year olds? ;-)
Well, you’re not exactly robbing the cradle, and she’s not exactly robbing the grave.
Go for it.
LOL
In this comic xkcd used the equation: half your age + 7 https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dating_pools.png
It’s fun to reference but it’s not a hard rule. The fact that you are thinking it over means that you are probably in a healthy mindset to at least go on the date and feel it out. You have your daughter batting for you! You got this!
Once you hit 30 the age gap stops being creepy and becomes a personal life choice. If you were 41 and she was 20, that would be a massive red flag. But she isn’t a young adult anymore, but presumably someone established in who they are and what they want.
If what she wants is you, congrats!
Or 50 and 29 - eww
Oh yes, without a doubt. What truly matters is equal power dynamics, I’d just generally speaking saying most 30s have a few relationships under their belt, know who they are and what they want.
But even that can go yuck sooooo quick. Like with a 30 and 80 year old, clearly one side has a fetish or finicals the other has.
There was quite a few articles of a young guy chasing after 70+years old, definitely a fetish of sorts
Two consenting adults on a date? Definitely creepy!
I’d like to think a 30 year old is capable of making an informed decision
No what you don’t understand is women are completely powerless and must be protected at all cost. They can’t be responsible for their own decisions. If a (female) adult wants to date another adult then it must be okayed by other people that have nothing to do with the situation. Otherwise everyone needs to step in and protect them.
I think people refer to it as equality.
No
Humans do seem rather lacking in the ability in general so you have to grade their decisions on a curve
Past 30, age is less about biology and more sociology.
I’m a 49 year old male. But I’m divorced, no kids. Still living a bachelor life quite happily while most guys close to my age are married with the kids and coaching soccer on weekends in a minivan. As a result, my friend group almost exclusively skews younger because those are the people who are in the same stage of life as I am (regardless of biological age).
The same works for relationships. Past a certain point it doesn’t matter how old you are, as long as your sociological age is compatible. (Ie. Your way of life)
Edited to Add: The rule we always learned in highschool when we were stupid kids with nothing better to do is “half your age plus 7”
51 divided by 2 = 25.5 + 7 = 32.5.
So by highschool rules, you’re just a little bit outside the lines, but close enough that if you’re both attractive most people will ignore it.
the same stage of life as I am
I would say they are living the same type of life as you, not the same stage. Life doesn’t have stages once you’re an adult. There are just common activities, and nothing more.
Life definitely can have stages once you’re an adult. Relationships (married/divorced/remarried), family (babies/kids/teenagers/adults), work (entry level/senior/management/retirement). Think about if you’re on the other side of a big party than the other person; then you’re probably on different life stages. Not all of them are weird to date between, but most of them are weird to date across big differences.
These are not “stages”, these are just different activities. Lots of people don’t have kids, but this doesn’t make them at a lower “stage”. Not everyone wants to climb some kind of career ladder, nor does everyone respect those who do. Not everyone gets married, nor does everyone even care about marriage. People live differently – they do not progress through stages.
Just because not everyone goes through each one doesn’t mean they aren’t stages. Not everyone goes to high school, or doesn’t sleep through the night, or catches a ball thrown from a meter away, or has trouble with adolescent relationships; that doesn’t mean those aren’t stages.
“Stages” are entirely theoretical and hotly debated, and you shouldn’t think of them like video game levels where you have to go through all (or even any) of them. Think of them more like theatrical stages: it’s where the action happens for a time, the set upon which the action of your life occurs. You’re almost always going to be on multiple stages at a time, and the people around you are probably going to be on a different set of them.
I don’t think that two adults dating with the sole intention of finding a connection and enjoying each other’s company is creepy regardless of the age difference.
I wouldn’t find it creepy, though I probably wouldn’t mask my surprise well if I heard about it. My parents are 18 years apart. There are some social differences but at some point, they must have liked each other enough. They also have differing interests. They’re free to do their own thing (my dad stays home my mom travels the world). But, they’re not a great match anymore (I have to believe they used to be). All of this has combined into a strenuous situation where my mom is planning for her retirement freedom while my dad is probably headed to some kind of assisted living because she’s not going to stay home as a servant. I hate to be a downer about a relationship that hasn’t even started, but I think it’s important to consider this aspect before things get serious
Ignore what randos on the web say - the opinions of only two people matter. You and her. Good luck; however it works out.
Past 30 age is meaningless as long as both sides are happy.
Would a 80 yo with a 30 yo be weird? Yeah, would it be wrong? No.
50 and 30 is unusual but definitely okay.
One thing that would make a creep a creep is a power imbalance of some sort. For this to exist if we’re only considering the age gap between adults, is if one adult is so young they’re being taken advantage of.
A 20 year age gap where the younger is early 20’s is creepy, because the younger’s lack of experience makes them vulnerable. A 20 year age gap where the younger is in their 30’s or beyond isn’t, because the younger likely has the maturity to avoid being taken advantage of.
Are there any other factors that would make this creepy, like you have influence over this person’s career? If not, then no worries! Enjoy dating.
I’ve heard this argument before, and I don’t think it parses. After all, we have power imbalances in relationships all the time. Men are typically stronger than women and can physically overpower them - are all heterosexual relationships therefore creepy? Should people only date others of similar levels of physical strength?
Suppose one person is a high earning investment banker, while the other gives schoolchildren piano lessons. Surely this makes a financial power imbalance? Should these two dating be frowned upon?
Maybe one partner is a highly intelligent physicist who works at the large hadron collider, while the other is, by all accounts including their own, kind of dumb. Is a power imbalance in intelligence creepy? But wait! What if the “dumb” partner is bad at academic thinking, but is brilliant at connecting with people, while our physicist has a touch of the 'tism and is shy and awkward - would this constitute a “creepy” power imbalance in social/emotional power?
Are stay at home moms all in “creepy” relationships because their partners control their finances?
Also, nevermind the fact that huge amounts of kink is based around power imbalances - being physically overpowered, being punished, being humiliated, being subservient, etc. It’s fucking hot. Power imbalances are for many a fundamental part of their attraction.
And even specifically with the age gaps, and age gaps involving young adults in particular - I have talked to so many young adults who adamantly defend age gap relationships. And after all, why shouldn’t they? They are adults. They want to date who they want, and they don’t want society judging their relationships as creepy, or judging their potential partners. Say a 19 year old guy has a thing for older women. So he goes to a bar, sees a smokin hot 35 year old, and goes to flirt with her. She thinks he’s cute and flirts back. They go to bed together and have a lovely time. How is that creepy? It’s not. It’s just two people having a good time together.
No, your example still seems creepy.
OP’s scenario seems ok to me.
Why do you think that?
So, first off your example takes advantage of a common yet sexist belief, that men constantly want sex. Some definitely do, but that generalization has led to a general assumption that men cannot be raped or taken advantage of.
Society has a very different reaction when a female teacher has sex with a male student than when it’s a male teacher and a female student. Even though it’s the same manipulation occurring, we see people congratulating the boy on getting laid, but the poor girl was victimized.
Now, I’ll admit that your example MAY be totally fine if it is exactly as it plays out in your description: Young guy goes out, and really wants to bring a girl home. So he takes his chances with an older woman, has a one night stand, and everything is consensual. I can see that playing out and both of them being happy with how the night played out.
If they continue to have a relationship after that, it starts to get creepy. My kids are around the 18-21 range, and I have a few coworkers in that range as well. I get along with them all just fine, but we have so little in common, that I can’t even imagine being in a relationship with somebody at that age.
I’ve heard people argue “But younger women are objectively more beautiful than older women so why would anyone not want the youngest, prettiest woman they can get?” And to me that’s a clear sign of being a total piece of shit. Anyone who says that is looking for eye candy to look at and show off. This is not someone who cares about a woman’s thoughts and opinions. This is not someone who is looking for a partner. This is someone who sees a woman as an accessory to his lifestyle, and he wants to have the shiniest one in his neighborhood.
Any middle aged person in a relationship with someone in their teens or twenties is either actively manipulating the younger person, or at best, completely objectifying them.
So, first off your example takes advantage of a common yet sexist belief…
I was trying to avoid the common knee jerk response people have to a young woman being with an older man. But fine, I’ll make it as controversial as possible - a fine young woman who is 18 years old, graduated high school and moved out of her parents house a week ago, puts on her nicest black leather collar and matching eyeliner and heads to the local kink house to find herself an over 50 daddy dom. She finds one, and they go on to have a wonderful relationship for 7 years until she decides she wants something else in life and they part amicably.
But younger women are objectively more beautiful than older women so why would anyone not want the youngest, prettiest woman they can get?
I would argue that this makes complete sense (assuming the individual in question actually does find younger women more attractive), so long as one is not actively pursuing long term romantic partnerships. As long as everyone is consenting and having a good time, I see no reason why two people can’t simply share a common carnal attraction to each other.
Meanwhile, nothing precludes two people with a significant age gap from having a lot in common despite their age difference. I have a friend who emancipated herself at 16 and immediately went to travel SE Asia for years on a shoestring budget. I have another friend has started his own contracting business at 23. People mature at different rates, and can be very interesting at a young age. Again, assuming everyone is a consenting adult who is happy with the relationship, I see no reason to shame them.
Again, as a wild no strings attached night of debauchery, sure, it could happen and no harm done. But, let’s be honest, if this is something they are doing often, that’s not really normal behavior, and is often a symptom of an underlying issue.
I find it much more likely in your scenario, that the older person is manipulating the other person’s depression or emotional trauma and that their relationship is dysfunctional.
I have a feeling that you were a very horny teenager.
Sorry, I’ll explain. If someone spent their teenage years obsessed with sex, and thinking about how they’d bang anything that would let them, they’d probably be more understanding of a teenager sleeping with a 50 year old. “I wish I even had that chance” they think so many years later.
I have a feeling that you were a very horny teenager.
Lol, guilty as charged. And the horniness has not really abated. I never wanted to fuck a 50 year old, but I definitely had some teachers I woulda been stoked to shack up with.
But I think it’s weird that you seem to be saying that this is weird. I am well aware of the fact that people who are asexual or who have a low sex drive exist, and I think their sexuality (or lack thereof, as it may be) should be legitimized and supported. But at the same time, I find it hard to believe that most other people aren’t approximately as horny as I am. Outside of bots, the majority of internet traffic is porn. People spend billions of dollars on sex and sex-adjacent pursuits, from dildos to ED drugs to gym memberships to strappy sports bras to hair plugs. As the old Oscar Wilde quote goes - “Everything in the world is about sex…”
So when someone starts talking about “X is just because of sex” or “Y is the thing we care about because it isn’t about sex”, what I think is “yeah, sex is important. Of course that’s what we’re talking about.” And denial or push back starts to sound like “my puritanical sex-negative upbringing has trained me to be uncomfortable talking about sex, so I’m going to delegitimize sexual desire as a significant factor in any interaction.”
There’s only one person whose opinion on that matters, and she’s aged 30. And maybe your daughter too, but she set it up so that’s unlikely.
You can always find a bunch of weirdos on the internet who’ll be offended at you, no matter who you are or what you do, so it’s never a good idea to not do stuff just because of that.
If you’re worried if you ARE a creep then I’d suggest plugging “what it means to be a creep” or “what is a creep” into your favourite search engine and make sure your regular habits exclude whatever you find. Use several sources, not just the first you find, because not everything on the internet is true.
To some people yes, to many people no.
Just be respectful, kind and considerate. She’s an adult.
We’re going on a date tonight. Come what may.
Come what may.
I want to pretend this is spicy confident British tongue in cheek inuendo. 🤔
The big issues with age gaps is mostly down to protective probability. By 30 most folks are experienced enough at life to make up their own mind.
Hope it goes well for you both!
